I Don’t Do Anger… Or So I Thought

I remember saying it out loud… “I don’t do anger.”

Like it was some kind of moral failing, a sign that something was wrong with me for experiencing or expressing it. But over time, I realized this was just a protective strategy… my way of moving away from anger before it became too uncomfortable. And guess who stepped in when I ran from anger? Ms. Shame. Yep, shame quietly took over the space where my anger could have been.

Why did I think anger was “bad”? Well, that’s still something I’m learning, unpacking, and connecting with. But here’s the interesting part… since I started changing music to my dance with anger, I am starting to see it not as a threat but as a message - my nervous system feels lighter. I’m not as reactive.

When I feel anger rising, instead of pulling away or shutting down, I try to welcome it. I ask myself, with curiosity, “What is this anger trying to tell me? What am I trying to push away?” Once I do this, I notice I can regulate more effectively, explore my emotions more deeply, and communicate more clearly, especially in relational challenges.

Harriet Lerner, in The Dance of Anger, talks about the “nice lady syndrome”- not showing anger - and contrasts it with the other extreme - loud, reactive expression. Both are really two sides of the same coin. They’re just different ways of avoiding the authentic message beneath the anger.

So how can we work toward welcoming anger with care and compassion? A few skills I’ve found helpful:

• Pause and breathe: Give your nervous system a moment before reacting.

• Name it: Identify the emotion and its source. “This is anger. This is my boundary saying ‘enough.’”

• Curious inquiry: Ask, “What is this anger trying to protect or communicate?”

• Express thoughtfully: Use “I” statements or the phrase “The story I am telling myself is…” to communicate your feelings without blame.

Anger doesn’t have to be scary or shameful. It can be a guide, a messenger helping us understand ourselves and our relationships more deeply.

Now, I invite you to be curious with your relationship with anger. How does anger show up for you?

If you want support in exploring your relationship with anger, or any emotion, a therapist on our team can help you navigate these feelings safely and effectively.

Book a session today to start learning how to understand, regulate, and communicate your emotions with confidence.