How Pain Messages & Protective Strategies Can Keep Couples Stuck—and How EFCT Can Help
Our brains are meaning-making machines.
When we don’t have the full picture, our nervous system does what it’s designed to do: predict. It fills in the blanks with a story meant to protect us, keep us safe, and prepare us for what might happen next.
This is great for survival.
But in our closest relationships, these predictions can come at a cost.
They can pull us away from connection, even when what we truly want is closeness.
In Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFCT), we explore how the underlying pain messages and the protective strategies that keep couples stuck in a negative cycle. It’s not about who’s right or wrong—it’s about understanding what happens in each person’s inner world when something painful is activate
A Common Experience
“You go quiet when I bring something up.”
The Activator:
Your partner withdraws, gets quiet, or shuts down when you bring up something important. Your brain doesn’t have answers—so it makes meaning of your partners protection move, creating a pain message.
My Pain Message:
When you experience the withdraw, quietness, or shutdown, you might then feel:
Unloved,
Unheard,
Misunderstood,
Alone,
Like they “just don’t get it.
This pain is real. It matters.
My Protection Move
Your nervous system steps in to protect you:
You push harder to talk or pursue connection to be heard.
This isn’t because you want to fight.
It’s because you’re trying to repair the distance you suddenly feel.
Partner Impact (from my protection move)
From the outside, your partner experiences your push as pressure—or as confirmation that they’re “failing.”
Their internal story might sound like:
“I can’t get it right.”
“I’m not enough.”
“Whatever I say will make it worse.”
So they pull away more to reduce conflict, avoid hurting you, and protect their pain.
And just like that, the cycle keeps both people stuck.
One person protests the distance between one another to protect themselves and the relationship.
One person withdraws between one another to protect themselves and the relationship.
Meanwhile, neither partner’s deeper pain is being held. With each move reinforcing the other’s pain message, both partner’s double down on their protective strategies to stay safe—while unintentionally creating more distance.
Sometimes both partner’s withdraw. As a therapist, this signals that the relationship may be losing its ability to repair after conflict. When both people quietly retreat, the cycle goes underground—but remains just as powerful.
*If you notice both you and your partner withdraw… consider that a sign that couples therapy might be something to explore sooner rather than later.
Why This Happens
When we’re activated or scared of losing connection, the nervous system doesn’t wait for facts—it creates a narrative that makes sense based on our past experiences, attachment history, and learned patterns.
The problem?
These stories are rarely about what’s happening now.
They’re about what once kept us safe.
What protected us in the past can limit us in the present.
What EFCT Helps Couples Do
Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy supports couples to:
Slow this pattern down
Explore the underlying pain, not just the reactive behaviour
Identify each person’s protection strategy
Understand the impact each partner has on the other
Create space for vulnerability instead of defensiveness
When partner’s can see each other’s pain—not just the reaction—something shifts.
The strategies that once protected begin to soften.
The space between partners becomes safer.
Connection becomes possible again.
A New Way Forward
Instead of letting our meaning-making brain run the show, we learn to:
Check in with the story we’re telling ourselves
Share the vulnerable emotion underneath the reaction
Stay open to our partner’s inner experience
See the cycle—not each other—as the problem
When couples do this work, they begin to move from:
“You’re shutting down on me.”
to
“When I feel you go quiet, I get scared I don’t matter.”
And
“I’m withdrawing because I’m trying not to make things worse.”
This is where reconnection begins.
“The most functional way to regulate difficult emotions in love relationships is to share them.”
Interested in Couples Therapy?
If you and your partner are noticing these patterns and want support breaking the cycle, I offer consultation calls for couples who are curious about Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy.
You don’t have to navigate disconnection alone—support is available.
