We Actually Need To Depend On Others: Exploring Effective Dependence in Relationships
Did you know that social isolation has been linked to a 29% increased risk of early death, equivalent to other major risk factors like smoking and obesity (Holt-Lunstad et al., 2015)?
Did you know that loneliness has been connected to higher rates of heart disease, stroke, depression, and anxiety (National Academies of Sciences, Engineering, and Medicine, 2020)?
While there are strengths to becoming self-sufficient and growing independence, the downside is when we become hyper-independent. Hyper-independence is a protective strategy that teaches us that needing others is a sign of weakness. I say protective strategy because the nervous system developed it for very valid reasons. Somewhere along your path you perhaps learned, “It is safer and easier to do it myself.” This is often the case when you have been let down by a key figure in your life. From these experiences, we may internalize and embody messages, such as:
“I can’t rely on anyone.” “Be your own rock.”
These messages then shape and inform how we show up in relationships. But the truth is, emotional health and secure bonds are not built in isolation. They’re built in effective dependence.
Why We’re So Disconnected
Our Western culture has swung so far toward independence that many people now find themselves more isolated, anxious, and disconnected than ever before. We often put a wall up emotionally, suppress our needs, or avoid closeness - again, protecting ourselves from pain. But in doing so, we also block ourselves from connection. Two sides of the same coin.
So, what if the real sign of strength isn’t being completely self-reliant… but rather, knowing when and how to lean on others?
The Difference Between Codependence and Effective Dependence
It’s important to be clear. Codependence is not the goal. In codependent dynamics, one person’s sense of self is blurred or even lost in the relationship. There’s often a pattern of rescuing, enabling, or controlling, which can stem from unresolved trauma or fear of abandonment. Effective dependence, on the other hand, is the foundation of emotionally secure relationships.
Developed by attachment researchers, effective dependence means:
• Recognizing that it’s healthy to rely on others when we’re stressed, overwhelmed, or hurting.
• Trusting that others can be emotionally available and responsive.
• Offering that same responsiveness in return.
It’s the secure base from which we explore, grow, and face life’s challenges.
Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) and the Science of Bonding
As a therapist trained in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), I often remind clients that we are wired for connection. EFT, which is rooted in attachment theory, shows us that emotional needs aren’t flaws - they are signals. When those signals are responded to with care, trust and intimacy deepen. When they are ignored or rejected, we withdraw or escalate, trying desperately to feel safe.
Through EFT, couples and individuals learn how to:
• Express emotional needs without shame.
• Respond to their partner’s vulnerability with empathy rather than defensiveness.
• Repair patterns of disconnection and build new patterns of closeness.
This isn’t about becoming overly dependent - it’s about becoming securely connected.
The Health Benefits of Secure Attachment
Research consistently shows that strong, emotionally supportive relationships are protective for both mental and physical health. Effective dependence in close relationships:
• Lowers cortisol (the stress hormone)
• Enhances immune functioning
• Improves emotion regulation
• Increases resilience during difficult life events
• Reduces symptoms of anxiety, depression, and trauma
In other words, connection isn’t a luxury item - it’s a health intervention.
What Does Healthy Dependence Look Like?
So, how can we begin to shift from isolation to effective connection? Here are a few places to start:
Name your needs: Instead of pushing away your emotional needs, get curious about them. What do you need when you're upset? Comfort? Reassurance? Space and later repair?
Take emotional risks: Vulnerability is uncomfortable, but it’s also the birthplace of intimacy. Practice asking for what you need in small, manageable ways.
Notice your blocks: Do you feel guilt when you rely on others? Shame when you're upset? These reactions often stem from prior experiences, and they can be shifted with awareness and care.
Offer secure presence: Effective dependence is mutual. Can you be a steady presence for someone else while still honouring your own boundaries?
Build a secure base: Whether it’s with a partner, friend, or chosen family, prioritize relationships where mutual care and emotional responsiveness are the norm.
It Starts With Us.
The more we normalize emotional openness and safe interdependence, the more we create a culture that supports secure bonds. Imagine a world where asking for help wasn’t seen as weak. Where emotional closeness wasn’t the exception, but the standard.
That world starts with us.
With one vulnerable conversation.
One shared moment.
One act of turning toward instead of away.
Final Thought
We heal in connection. Effective dependence is not about giving up our autonomy - it’s about creating the kind of relationships where we can truly thrive.
If you’re curious about how effective dependence could transform the way you show up in relationships - with yourself and others - our team would be honoured to support you in your process.
Sources
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Holt-Lunstad, J., Smith, T. B., Baker, M., Harris, T., & Stephenson, D. (2015). Loneliness and social isolation as risk factors for mortality: A meta-analytic review. Perspectives on Psychological Science, 10(2), 227–237. https://doi.org/10.1177/1745691614568352
House, J. S., Landis, K. R., & Umberson, D. (1988). Social relationships and health. Science, 241(4865), 540–545. https://doi.org/10.1126/science.3399889
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Levine, A., & Heller, R. (2010). Attached: The new science of adult attachment and how it can help you find—and keep—love. TarcherPerigee.
Murthy, V. H. (2020). Together: The healing power of human connection in a sometimes lonely world. Harper Wave.
National Academies of Sciences, Engineering, and Medicine. (2020). Social isolation and loneliness in older adults: Opportunities for the health care system. The National Academies Press. https://doi.org/10.17226/25663
Tatkin, S. (2012). Wired for love: How understanding your partner’s brain and attachment style can help you defuse conflict and build a secure relationship. New Harbinger Publications.
The Gottman Institute. (n.d.). Emotional bids and turning toward. Retrieved July 10, 2025, from https://www.gottman.com
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